The Setup: When One Parent Becomes the Messenger

It’s a scenario that many children of narcissistic parents know too well. You’ve cut contact, you’ve set boundaries, or you’re simply taking space for your mental health. But the narcissistic parent finds a way back in — often using your other parent as their unwitting courier.

In your case, the texts arrive — perhaps a faux-concern “Hope you feel better” or a strangely random message about a stranger’s obituary. You don’t reply. You move on.

But then comes the moment you’ve been dreading:

Your father asks, “Did you get your mother’s messages?”

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Why This Question Isn’t Innocent

To the average person, this might seem harmless — just small talk about family.

But in the narcissistic family system, this is bait.

If you say no, you’ve lied. Narcissists thrive on catching you in lies — it’s ammunition.

If you say yes but then explain why you didn’t reply, your reasoning becomes their weapon.

If you say yes and then share your hurt, the narcissist will hear a twisted version of your words that paints you as the aggressor.

This is why your safest, most self-protective answer is simple:

“Yes, I saw them.”

Followed by, “I’m not discussing it.”

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Why Lying Backfires

Many survivors are tempted to lie. Saying “No, I didn’t get the message” feels like a quick escape.

But here’s the problem:

1. Narcissists have long memories when it benefits them. If your father mentions to your mother that you claimed not to get it — and she has evidence that you did (such as read receipts, shared accounts, or your father’s own recollection) — you become the “dishonest one.”

2. The narrative flips. Suddenly, the story isn’t about her manipulative messaging — it’s about you “lying” to avoid her.

3. It reinforces their control. Lying is reactive. They made you bend the truth, and that’s a win in their eyes.

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Why Over-Explaining is Dangerous

The other instinct is to explain. To tell your father why you didn’t reply, how much her behaviour hurts, or to give context so he “understands.”

This is emotional quicksand.

• Explanations invite debate. Narcissists (and their allies) will argue with your reasoning, dismiss your feelings, or twist your words until you’re the problem.

• Explanations give away your triggers. Once they know exactly what upsets you, they can use it against you later — sometimes years later.

• Explanations shift the focus. The conversation becomes about your reaction, not her behaviour.

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Why “Yes, I Saw Them” is Your Shield

This approach is powerful because it is:

• Truthful. You’re not lying. You did receive them.

• Closed. There’s no emotional thread for him to pull on.

• Neutral. You offer no fuel, no defence, no counterattack.

• Repeatable. You can say it every time, without thinking, and without being tripped up.

When paired with “I’m not discussing it,” it becomes a firm wall. You’re not rude, you’re not escalating — you’re simply ending the conversation.

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What Your Narcissistic Mother Can’t Do With This Approach

If you lie, she can say: “See? She lies about me!”

If you block her and announce it, she can say: “She’s cruel and cutting me off for no reason!”

If you explain, she can say: “Look how irrational and dramatic she is!”

But if all she gets is: “Yes, I saw them. I’m not discussing it,” there’s nothing to twist.

She’s left with no drama, no soundbite, no emotional hook.

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The Flying Monkey Factor

In narcissistic family dynamics, the other parent often plays the role of flying monkey — delivering messages, applying guilt, or trying to “mediate.”

Sometimes they don’t even realise they’re doing the narcissist’s bidding.

Other times, they’re fully aware and invested in keeping the narcissist’s control intact.

The “calm truth + no discussion” method works here too.

Even if your father pushes, guilt-trips, or tries to argue, you simply repeat:

• “I’m not discussing it.”

• “I understand that’s your opinion. I’m not discussing it.”

It’s not a negotiation.

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The Bigger Lesson for Survivors

This is about more than one text message.

It’s about taking back the steering wheel of your emotional life.

Narcissists survive on chaos, reaction, and control.

Every time you refuse to give them that reaction — and refuse to hand over your reasoning — you reclaim your power.

It’s not about pretending they don’t exist.

It’s about starving them of the only thing they truly crave: control over your emotional state.

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