narcissism

When the Abuser Pretends to Care: The Hidden Tactics of a Narcissistic Parent

~ Rochelle ~ Leave a comment

How to Recognise Manipulation Disguised as Concern

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When a narcissistic parent reaches out after weeks, months, or even years of silence, it can feel like an emotional ambush. The message might be polite. It might appear caring. It might even include a kind gesture or an “I hope you’re feeling better.”

But beneath that surface lies a calculated strategy: control, intrusion, and emotional destabilisation. If you’ve lived through this before, you know it’s not random — it’s patterned behaviour.

This is exactly what my mother does. And this is exactly how to recognise it when it’s happening to you.

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1. Selective Contact — The Power of Withholding

A narcissistic parent controls communication like a tap — turning it on and off to assert dominance.

They block you without explanation, then unblock you when it suits them, creating an unspoken message: I decide when you exist in my world.

By ignoring meaningful occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, personal milestones) while still finding time to send unrelated or inappropriate messages, they show you that your joy, grief, or achievements only matter when they serve their narrative.

This is a form of emotional withholding — a tactic designed to:

• Remind you that their attention is conditional.

• Keep you unsure of where you stand.

• Make you crave the crumbs of recognition they occasionally toss your way.

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2. Triangulation — Using Others to Deliver Messages

When they don’t want direct conflict or vulnerability, narcissists often use other people as messengers.

In my case, it’s clear my father told her I was unwell — and suddenly she reached out.

This isn’t about care. It’s about triangulation — pulling a third party into the dynamic so she can maintain control while avoiding accountability.

Signs of triangulation include:

• Hearing about your own life from someone else before the narcissist contacts you.

• Being spoken about more than being spoken to.

• Feeling like communication is being filtered, twisted, or staged.

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3. Faux Concern — Care as a Weapon

A narcissistic “check-in” rarely comes from genuine empathy.

Instead, it’s a strategic move designed to:

• Create the appearance of being caring to outsiders.

• Keep you emotionally tethered, even when you’ve pulled away.

• Reassert control after a period of silence or distance.

This is emotional baiting — they give you just enough sweetness to stir guilt, confusion, or hope, which then pulls you back into the cycle.

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4. Obligation Triggers — The Guilt Hook

By reaching out when you’re sick or vulnerable, they tap into your natural human empathy.

The unspoken demand is: Respond. Be polite. Show gratitude.

It’s a subtle form of guilt-tripping — making you feel like the bad person if you don’t engage, while ignoring the years of harm they’ve caused.

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5. Rewriting the Script — Image Management

Every message is also part of a bigger performance: controlling the story about who they are.

To outsiders, they appear like the loving mother who still reaches out despite “your distance.”

To you, it’s a reminder that they control how your relationship looks to the world.

This is narrative control — ensuring that their reputation remains untarnished, even if it means manipulating the truth.

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How to Recognise When It’s Happening to You

You might be dealing with narcissistic manipulation if:

• Contact is inconsistent and always on their terms.

• Messages ignore your reality but demand your emotional energy.

• They suddenly “check in” during moments of weakness, illness, or life events.

• They bypass important celebrations but still reach out for trivial or self-serving reasons.

• You feel more unsettled than comforted after hearing from them.

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Why It Hurts So Much

It’s not just the words in the message — it’s the history behind them.

Every contact reopens old wounds. Every carefully-timed “check-in” reminds you of the years you went without genuine care. And every silence between their messages reinforces that love, in their hands, was always conditional.

This is why it cuts so deeply — because it’s not simply a text. It’s the cycle starting again.

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What You Can Do to Protect Yourself

1. Name the Behaviour — Labelling tactics like emotional withholding, triangulation, and guilt-tripping takes away their power.

2. Set Boundaries — Decide if you will respond, and on what terms.

3. Limit Access — Blocking or muting isn’t cruelty — it’s self-preservation.

4. Document Patterns — Keeping a record of their contact can help you see the cycles clearly.

5. Seek Validation — Talk to trusted friends, therapists, or survivor communities who can confirm you’re not imagining it.

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“They Should Care for You. You’re Their Mum.” — The Most Dangerous Sentence a Social Worker Can Say

~ Rochelle ~ Leave a comment

Why Blanket Statements Like This Do More Harm Than Good — Especially When Narcissistic Abuse is Involved

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I still can’t believe this happened.

My mum is in hospital. And a social worker — who has spent all of five minutes with her — had the audacity to say:

“They should care for you. You’re their mum.”

Take a moment to think about that.

This person has absolutely no idea of the years of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, and cruelty that woman has put us through. But because she happens to be someone’s mum, suddenly we’re supposed to drop everything and become her caregivers?

No. Just no.

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Not Every Parent is a Good Parent

We grow up being told to respect our parents. To love them unconditionally. But what if they’re the very people who broke us?

My mum is a narcissist. Not just someone who’s a bit selfish — a true narcissist. Someone who has used guilt, control, and emotional blackmail like tools of war. She’s harmed relationships, destroyed confidence, and made everything about her, always.

So when a social worker — a professional who should know better — says something like that, it’s not just ignorant. It’s harmful.

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What That Statement Actually Does

That one sentence invalidates years of pain. It erases trauma. It says to the abused: “None of that matters. Blood trumps everything.”

Well, I’m here to say it doesn’t.

Blood is not a free pass to abuse people and still expect loyalty.

Social workers, nurses, anyone in a caring profession: you need to stop and think before you speak. Statements like “you should care for her, she’s your mum” pile guilt onto people who already carry the weight of years of survival.

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This is Why People Stay Silent

This is why survivors of family trauma don’t speak up. Because when they do, someone — often someone in authority — gaslights them all over again. Maybe unintentionally, but the damage is the same.

Instead of asking, “Why aren’t you caring for her?”, how about asking, “What’s your relationship like? How are you coping?”

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We Don’t Owe Abusers Our Time or Our Sanity

I will not apologise for protecting my peace.

I will not apologise for setting boundaries.

And I certainly won’t be guilt-tripped into pretending someone was a loving mother when they weren’t.

To anyone else who’s had to make the heartbreaking decision to step back from a toxic parent — I see you. You are not selfish. You are brave.

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