NarcissisticAbuse

When Silence Speaks Louder: How to Answer Narcissistic Bait Without Losing Your Power

~ Rochelle ~ Leave a comment

The Setup: When One Parent Becomes the Messenger

It’s a scenario that many children of narcissistic parents know too well. You’ve cut contact, you’ve set boundaries, or you’re simply taking space for your mental health. But the narcissistic parent finds a way back in — often using your other parent as their unwitting courier.

In your case, the texts arrive — perhaps a faux-concern “Hope you feel better” or a strangely random message about a stranger’s obituary. You don’t reply. You move on.

But then comes the moment you’ve been dreading:

Your father asks, “Did you get your mother’s messages?”

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Why This Question Isn’t Innocent

To the average person, this might seem harmless — just small talk about family.

But in the narcissistic family system, this is bait.

If you say no, you’ve lied. Narcissists thrive on catching you in lies — it’s ammunition.

If you say yes but then explain why you didn’t reply, your reasoning becomes their weapon.

If you say yes and then share your hurt, the narcissist will hear a twisted version of your words that paints you as the aggressor.

This is why your safest, most self-protective answer is simple:

“Yes, I saw them.”

Followed by, “I’m not discussing it.”

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Why Lying Backfires

Many survivors are tempted to lie. Saying “No, I didn’t get the message” feels like a quick escape.

But here’s the problem:

1. Narcissists have long memories when it benefits them. If your father mentions to your mother that you claimed not to get it — and she has evidence that you did (such as read receipts, shared accounts, or your father’s own recollection) — you become the “dishonest one.”

2. The narrative flips. Suddenly, the story isn’t about her manipulative messaging — it’s about you “lying” to avoid her.

3. It reinforces their control. Lying is reactive. They made you bend the truth, and that’s a win in their eyes.

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Why Over-Explaining is Dangerous

The other instinct is to explain. To tell your father why you didn’t reply, how much her behaviour hurts, or to give context so he “understands.”

This is emotional quicksand.

• Explanations invite debate. Narcissists (and their allies) will argue with your reasoning, dismiss your feelings, or twist your words until you’re the problem.

• Explanations give away your triggers. Once they know exactly what upsets you, they can use it against you later — sometimes years later.

• Explanations shift the focus. The conversation becomes about your reaction, not her behaviour.

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Why “Yes, I Saw Them” is Your Shield

This approach is powerful because it is:

• Truthful. You’re not lying. You did receive them.

• Closed. There’s no emotional thread for him to pull on.

• Neutral. You offer no fuel, no defence, no counterattack.

• Repeatable. You can say it every time, without thinking, and without being tripped up.

When paired with “I’m not discussing it,” it becomes a firm wall. You’re not rude, you’re not escalating — you’re simply ending the conversation.

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What Your Narcissistic Mother Can’t Do With This Approach

If you lie, she can say: “See? She lies about me!”

If you block her and announce it, she can say: “She’s cruel and cutting me off for no reason!”

If you explain, she can say: “Look how irrational and dramatic she is!”

But if all she gets is: “Yes, I saw them. I’m not discussing it,” there’s nothing to twist.

She’s left with no drama, no soundbite, no emotional hook.

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The Flying Monkey Factor

In narcissistic family dynamics, the other parent often plays the role of flying monkey — delivering messages, applying guilt, or trying to “mediate.”

Sometimes they don’t even realise they’re doing the narcissist’s bidding.

Other times, they’re fully aware and invested in keeping the narcissist’s control intact.

The “calm truth + no discussion” method works here too.

Even if your father pushes, guilt-trips, or tries to argue, you simply repeat:

• “I’m not discussing it.”

• “I understand that’s your opinion. I’m not discussing it.”

It’s not a negotiation.

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The Bigger Lesson for Survivors

This is about more than one text message.

It’s about taking back the steering wheel of your emotional life.

Narcissists survive on chaos, reaction, and control.

Every time you refuse to give them that reaction — and refuse to hand over your reasoning — you reclaim your power.

It’s not about pretending they don’t exist.

It’s about starving them of the only thing they truly crave: control over your emotional state.

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When the Abuser Pretends to Care: The Hidden Tactics of a Narcissistic Parent

~ Rochelle ~ Leave a comment

How to Recognise Manipulation Disguised as Concern

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When a narcissistic parent reaches out after weeks, months, or even years of silence, it can feel like an emotional ambush. The message might be polite. It might appear caring. It might even include a kind gesture or an “I hope you’re feeling better.”

But beneath that surface lies a calculated strategy: control, intrusion, and emotional destabilisation. If you’ve lived through this before, you know it’s not random — it’s patterned behaviour.

This is exactly what my mother does. And this is exactly how to recognise it when it’s happening to you.

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1. Selective Contact — The Power of Withholding

A narcissistic parent controls communication like a tap — turning it on and off to assert dominance.

They block you without explanation, then unblock you when it suits them, creating an unspoken message: I decide when you exist in my world.

By ignoring meaningful occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, personal milestones) while still finding time to send unrelated or inappropriate messages, they show you that your joy, grief, or achievements only matter when they serve their narrative.

This is a form of emotional withholding — a tactic designed to:

• Remind you that their attention is conditional.

• Keep you unsure of where you stand.

• Make you crave the crumbs of recognition they occasionally toss your way.

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2. Triangulation — Using Others to Deliver Messages

When they don’t want direct conflict or vulnerability, narcissists often use other people as messengers.

In my case, it’s clear my father told her I was unwell — and suddenly she reached out.

This isn’t about care. It’s about triangulation — pulling a third party into the dynamic so she can maintain control while avoiding accountability.

Signs of triangulation include:

• Hearing about your own life from someone else before the narcissist contacts you.

• Being spoken about more than being spoken to.

• Feeling like communication is being filtered, twisted, or staged.

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3. Faux Concern — Care as a Weapon

A narcissistic “check-in” rarely comes from genuine empathy.

Instead, it’s a strategic move designed to:

• Create the appearance of being caring to outsiders.

• Keep you emotionally tethered, even when you’ve pulled away.

• Reassert control after a period of silence or distance.

This is emotional baiting — they give you just enough sweetness to stir guilt, confusion, or hope, which then pulls you back into the cycle.

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4. Obligation Triggers — The Guilt Hook

By reaching out when you’re sick or vulnerable, they tap into your natural human empathy.

The unspoken demand is: Respond. Be polite. Show gratitude.

It’s a subtle form of guilt-tripping — making you feel like the bad person if you don’t engage, while ignoring the years of harm they’ve caused.

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5. Rewriting the Script — Image Management

Every message is also part of a bigger performance: controlling the story about who they are.

To outsiders, they appear like the loving mother who still reaches out despite “your distance.”

To you, it’s a reminder that they control how your relationship looks to the world.

This is narrative control — ensuring that their reputation remains untarnished, even if it means manipulating the truth.

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How to Recognise When It’s Happening to You

You might be dealing with narcissistic manipulation if:

• Contact is inconsistent and always on their terms.

• Messages ignore your reality but demand your emotional energy.

• They suddenly “check in” during moments of weakness, illness, or life events.

• They bypass important celebrations but still reach out for trivial or self-serving reasons.

• You feel more unsettled than comforted after hearing from them.

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Why It Hurts So Much

It’s not just the words in the message — it’s the history behind them.

Every contact reopens old wounds. Every carefully-timed “check-in” reminds you of the years you went without genuine care. And every silence between their messages reinforces that love, in their hands, was always conditional.

This is why it cuts so deeply — because it’s not simply a text. It’s the cycle starting again.

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What You Can Do to Protect Yourself

1. Name the Behaviour — Labelling tactics like emotional withholding, triangulation, and guilt-tripping takes away their power.

2. Set Boundaries — Decide if you will respond, and on what terms.

3. Limit Access — Blocking or muting isn’t cruelty — it’s self-preservation.

4. Document Patterns — Keeping a record of their contact can help you see the cycles clearly.

5. Seek Validation — Talk to trusted friends, therapists, or survivor communities who can confirm you’re not imagining it.

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